Valorie Burton's Blog, page 9
August 21, 2022
How To Do Hard Things
I bet there are some hard things you’re trying to do right now.
Whether it’s dealing with the effects of the turmoil and uncertainty in our world, a hard conversation you need to have, or something going on at work, in a relationship, or with your health, all of us at times have to do hard things.
When hard things arise, sometimes we have a tendency to avoid them or put them off.
But we can tap into something very simple when we feel hesitant about doing the hard things that need to be done. We can use the power of our words.
Think about it for a moment, what are you saying to yourself about that hard thing you’re dealing with in your life?
Every morning when my son gets up to go to school, I have him repeat this simple, but meaningful declaration:
“I am loved. I am kind. I am smart. I can do hard things.”
I have him say what we want him to know and believe about himself.
I love hearing him repeat those words, but the one he says most often is the last one. When he is doing something difficult like learning some new words or trying to read a new book, sometimes he’ll become frustrated or even whine about it when he first starts. Then, without prompting, he’ll just blurt out, “But I can do hard things, Mommy!”
Every time he says it, it not only warms my heart, but it reminds me of the power of our words.
What feels hard and has you doubting whether you can do it? Remind yourself that you can do hard things.
We live in a world that often suggests things should be easy, that success should come quickly. But as you know, that’s often untrue. It takes work – work on ourselves, persistence in the face of rejection, faith when we feel fear. So we have to remind ourselves that even though getting to the vision of what we want can be hard, the hard things can be worth it, and you can do hard things.
Coach Yourself
What hard thing have you been putting off?
What could you do to prepare mentally to do what feels hard?
How do you need to adjust your language to empower you to presevere in your situation.
The post appeared first on .
August 14, 2022
Reset Your Expectations
Although this video was recorded in March of 2020, the message still applies today. Even when we aren’t dealing with a global pandemic, we will still encounter unexpected changes and a shifting of our normal in this life.
Sudden changes can leave you feeling scattered and disoriented. Your thoughts can race to the future or ruminate on your longing for the past. (If this is you, to bring you back to the present.)
When things aren’t normal we cannot behave as though they are, which means it is important to take the time to reset our expectations of ourselves, our work, and the situation we all presently find ourselves in. Failing to reset our expectations can lead us to put pressure on ourselves to continue in our normal everyday activities in the way we usually would. As a result, we can end up feeling stressed, guilty, or angry with ourselves and our present circumstances.
Take these simple steps to help you reset expectations and be resilient in the face of this challenge:
Ask yourself: What is working here, and what just isn’t?Start by taking a breath, and take a personal inventory of what you’re trying to force to happen in this time that’s preventing you from accomplishing what is actually most important right now. Trying to continue with “business as usual” could leave you feeling scattered, frustrated, disorganized, and unable to accomplish what actually matters.
Experiment with your “new normal” to create a new routine.It may take some time to figure out a new routine, but it’s okay to take time to experiment! Personally, I like an early start to the morning. Most days I’ve gotten my son ready and dropped off at school and am in the office by 7:30. However, I’m learning that getting up early like I normally would and going about my day trying to be as productive as possible isn’t working for me. Right now, most of my day is dedicated to being available to help my son with school. Lately, I’ve been far more productive at night, which means I have to give myself permission to get up a little later. Give yourself permission to do things differently than normal, and take the time that you have to start new rhythms of daily life.
Practice self-care.Because there’s more stress, self-care is super important. Rest, drink plenty of water, get outside and go for a walk. Remember, exercise isn’t always something that’s intense. It’s just getting up and getting moving. So if you’re able, take a walk, jump rope in your backyard with your kids, or do some yoga in your living room. Find a way to get your body moving because it’s good mentally, emotionally, and physically and it’s critical that we do what we can to remain healthy right now.
Coach Yourself with these Questions:
What do I need right now?
What will help me to feel cared for?
How do I need to adjust my expectations of myself and my circumstances in this season?
The post appeared first on .
July 31, 2022
Cultivate Your Positive Emotions
No matter how wonderful your personal life is right now, if you turn on the news, you’re bound to feel your stress level rise. After-effects of the pandemic. Racial unrest. Economic uncertainty. Political turmoil. The negatives have piled up. And that means you need to be super intentional about looking for the positives. Otherwise, you may find yourself overwhelmed by it all.
Negative emotion is more powerful than positive. In fact, research shows negative emotions are about three times more powerful…so it takes about three positives to undo a single negative.
This means that right now it’s more important than ever to cultivate positive emotion. Here’s why: Research shows that positive emotion expands our ability to deal with adversity and stress. It enables better decision-making and perseverance. Positive emotion gives us more of the energy and resources that we need to keep moving forward.
Practically speaking, cultivating positive emotion means activating our happiness triggers. I’ve identified 13 of these triggers in my research, but there are a few specific examples I think will help the most in this season.
Movement – Get moving! It could be anything from a brisk walk to intense exercise, but getting your blood flowing is important. Just 20 minutes of cardio will boost your mood for up to 24 hours! Gratitude – Take some time to reflect on what you’re grateful for and why you’re grateful. Play – Whether it’s with your kids, pets, family, or friends, find things you like to do just for the joy of it. Connection – Have meaningful conversations with people that you enjoy. If you’re not able to be with loved ones face-to-face, be intentional about scheduling a FaceTime call, a phone date, or even send a letter!So my encouragement to you this week is to focus on at least one of these, get specific about what you’ll do, and do it – or schedule it! Make it happen.
Coach Yourself
What brings you joy?
How will you incorporate that activity into your schedule this week?
The post appeared first on .
July 24, 2022
Activate Your Goals
Procrastination and perfectionism go hand in hand as they are rooted in the same problem: fear. From the outside looking in, procrastination may simply look like hesitation, but a closer look will reveal that most of the time we wait to get started on something for the fear that we don’t have all the answers yet, so we hesitate to take the first step. Similarly, perfectionism can appear to be a dedication to excellence, but again, peeling back the layers will often reveal that the root of our perfectionism is actually the fear of messing up or failing altogether.
From small projects around the house, like cleaning out an overcrowded closet, to big career-long dreams, like starting a new business venture you’ve been considering for years, procrastination and perfectionism can prevent us from achieving our goals in almost any area of our life.
Recently I’ve been challenging myself to develop a strength that does not come naturally to me, but which is the antidote to perfectionism and procrastination. The research firm Gallup calls it “Activator.” If you’re familiar with the StrengthFinder assessment you may have heard of it. Activators don’t waste time getting started once a decision has been made about a goal or project. They spring into action. My husband is like this. If I so much as suggest interest in a project, he gets started! My natural inclination is to do the opposite. I think about it. Then think some more. I weigh all the options. I strategize. I analyze. And while it’s not a bad thing to carefully consider a plan of action, sometimes all my thinking, and all my strategizing takes more time than it’s worth, as I imagine the task at hand is more complicated than it actually is.
So I’ve started making it a goal to be an activator. I notice when I have the thought, “I need to think some more about that. I’ll get to it when I have more time.” I take a breath and I consciously say to myself, “It’s not that hard. Just do it now.” Even for the projects and tasks that are complicated, we don’t learn by thinking about it. We learn by doing it. We learn when we succeed and we learn when we fail. And that learning makes it easier the next time.
So how about you? What goals are you overthinking? What plan is it time to put into action? What conversation have you been putting off? Perhaps my words are crossing paths with you right now because it is time to take action. Be an activator.
Even if you don’t have all the answers, take the first step. Rarely, if ever, do any of us have all the answers before we start, but it is in the missteps, the wrong directions, and the setbacks that we figure out the way. It is in the failures, the imperfections, and the trial and error that we learn what we actually need to know to get better.
Learn to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Be okay with not being perfect. Start looking at your goals and projects as an adventure, a journey of growth and learning, and just get started.
Coach Yourself
What have you been hesitating on because you haven’t had all the answers?
What small actions could you take this week to move forward?
When will you take them?
The post appeared first on .
July 17, 2022
Patience in the Waiting
Have you ever felt so ready for the next chapter of your life, but found yourself stuck in the waiting? Maybe you’re ready for the next level in an important relationship, your finances, or your career, but feel stalled and frustrated because you haven’t seen the success for which you’ve been preparing.
We have lived through a world put on pause, and so many of our dreams have been deferred.
Today I want to encourage you that those delays and the long season of waiting has not been wasted.
For it is in the waiting that we are prepared not to simply gain success, but to steward success.
Last year, my husband planted a bed of asparagus in our garden. When we planted them, he explained to me that asparagus take three years to grow until they are ready to be picked and eaten.
After they were first planted, we were able to see little sprouts sticking up, barely poking their tops out of the ground. If you watch my latest video, you’ll be able to see what came in this year…one sprout that is over two feet tall! The top portion of this giant sprout looks like asparagus that is ready to be picked. It looks like a mature plant, it looks ready to pick and enjoy, but my husband assured me that even though it looks full-grown, it’s just not ready yet. To pick it now would ruin the intricate root system that must grow to firmly stabilize the plant before any of the sprouts can be picked. To pick it now would cause the entire plant to wither and die.
But here’s the thing – my husband insists that next year, if we continue to nurture the sprouts now, our entire bed of asparagus is going to be completely full of mature plants ready to be harvested. Not only will they be ready, but they will continue to grow season after season.
I don’t think we’re so different from these plants. So many times, we can become so frustrated by the aspects of our lives that look ready for the next step, but in reality, they just need more time to grow.
Sometimes, we must shift our gaze from what looks ready on the surface and look instead to the deeper foundations that are being formed in these seasons of waiting. We must also resist the temptation to become frustrated or bitter when things aren’t coming together in the timing that we had hoped.
In these moments, I challenge you to trust the process and trust that God really does have our best interests at heart. Proverbs 3:5-6 tell us to “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Our own understanding will tell us we are ready before our roots are strong enough – before our foundations are solid. However, when we give ourselves to building the things that will keep us rooted when we finally see the success we’ve been working toward, we are giving ourselves to sustaining the success that we achieve.
So right now, maybe you’re still waiting, but waiting is never wasted if it is best preparing you for what’s to come. If you will just hold on, be patient, keep doing the right things, keep watering, keep nourishing, keep growing, when the time finally does come, you will be able to withstand the storms that come with success, the opportunities that come with success, and the temptations that come with success.
Coach Yourself
In what areas of your life do you feel you’re stuck in the waiting?
How can you use this time to invest in yourself and your future goals?
The post appeared first on .
July 10, 2022
Make Yourself a Priority
Have you ever decided to do something for yourself – take a day off, leave the dishes in the sink and take a nap, say no to a request so you can do something that brings you joy – only to end up feeling guilty?
A year ago, I had the opportunity to serve as the life coach for a series on the Today Show called Rutbusters, following three women on a New Year’s journey of taking better care of themselves. Like so many of my readers, the theme that keeps coming up is guilt for making new choices. Will making my wellbeing a priority shortchange the people I care about?
Of course, we know the answer. Taking care of yourself actually makes you much better at loving and serving others. But just because something is true doesn’t make it easy to live by. Too often, when we try to prioritize ourselves, guilt tries to sneak in and cause us to put ourselves back at the bottom of the priority list.
False guilt, the feeling you’re doing something wrong even when you aren’t, is real. But you can coach yourself through these feelings.
When guilt tries to hijack your best intentions, the first thing to ask yourself is, “Have I actually done anything wrong here?”
When you’re simply trying to prioritize your health, spiritual life, or overall well-being, the answer to that question is always “no.” You’re actually doing something right – something that will be good for you and those around you in the long run.
In these moments of need, guilt could also taunt you with thoughts like “I should be doing more for my kids,” or “I should spend more time on my work.” When these thoughts cross your mind, recognize that it’s guilt talking. Pause. Take a deep breath, then redirect your focus to the wise choice that will boost your well-being.
Maybe it’s taking a brisk walk, a nice bubble bath, or some quiet moments to catch your breath.
Whatever it is, and no matter how guilty you feel about taking that time, just do it. The more you do the right things and take the right actions, the easier it becomes.
Coach Yourself
What do you need to do this week to honor your needs?
When will you make time to do it?
The post appeared first on .
June 26, 2022
Why You Should Have a Temperament to Experiment
Have you ever declared that you were going to start a new goal or habit only to shortly thereafter drop off and get frustrated?
I think we’ve all experienced that at some point. That’s why I always encourage people to develop a temperament to experiment.
All that means is that you don’t have to fully commit to a big change. In fact, it’s actually more effective to experiment with your goals to see what works and what doesn’t, then gradually incorporate your new habits over time. After you’ve experimented for a day, or a week, or a month, you’re able to look back and you evaluate. You can then ask yourself what you want to keep doing, what you want to tweak, and what you want to stop doing. It’s in this process of trial and error that you’re usually able to find something that works even better for you.
So often, we put pressure on ourselves to make grand statements about our goals. For example…
“I’m dropping meat cold turkey. I’m going to be a vegetarian from now on.”
“I’m going to run every single day. I won’t miss anymore workouts.”
Have you ever said anything like that? Without experimenting though, we don’t actually know what we can sustain and what will be needed in order to sustain these kinds of goals.
I’m frequently asked how to stick with goals, and my answer is always to experiment. Rather than declaring a big change, choose one small change and then try it out. Then coach yourself with these very simple questions:
What about this worked?
What didn’t work?
What could I tweak to get on a path that gets me to the goal?
These questions will get you to the answers you need to make a plan to move forward and help you stick with your goal.
If you’re looking for more ways to coach yourself, check out my free course at or look into my personal growth membership, the !
Coach Yourself:
What goal do you need to experiment with?
Where will you start?
The post appeared first on .
June 19, 2022
This is How Rest Can Make You More Productive
If you want to be more productive, there’s an important yet counterintuitive thing you must do:
Rest.
Recently I was telling a friend about how much I had going on and how I needed to accomplish so much and execute at a high level. Their advice to me?
Rest and relax more.
It may sound ridiculous, but it’s true that rest actually helps us to be more productive.
Rest and work can go hand-in-hand to help you be more creative and more productive. When you’ve had adequate rest, your work is more fruitful than the times you sit down to accomplish work when you’ve been deprived of rest.
So I want you to coach yourself with this question:
Where could I incorporate more rest into my routine?
It’s super simple, but a lot of times in the race to get things done in our overloaded culture, rest is usually at the bottom of the to-do list. However, rest is a success strategy.
Rest can mean a lot of things. It can include getting plenty of sleep in the evenings, but it’s also taking naps when you need them, taking a walk as a break, or it could mean stopping for just 10 minutes in the middle of the day to breathe, or meditate, or pray.
Resting is an attitude. It’s an approach toward your work that says “I can only push myself so much. I’ve got a limited reserve of energy for my creativity and my productivity and the way that I rebuild and replenish that energy is by allowing myself to rest.”
Rather than thinking of rest as being lazy or just something that people get to do when they’re retired or when they don’t have much to do, think of rest as being critical to your success. Then ask yourself where you could get a bit more rest.
Try it out this week! Start by making sure you get eight hours of sleep. Take a nap. Take breaks at work. When you feel like you can’t stop, but you know you need to, allow yourself to pause and breathe. Approach your work with a sense that rest is just as important as productivity.
This whole month of June is all about rest in my membership, the. We are focused on how to get more rest, how to use it as a success strategy, and how to give yourself permission to do it. If you’ve considered getting serious about your own personal growth, learn how could help you reach your goals at .
Coach Yourself
Where can you incorporate rest in your routine this week?
Who will hold you accountable to rest?
The post appeared first on .
June 12, 2022
Decide How You Want to Show Up
We’ve all had those moments when we’ve shown up to a place or situation in a way that’s different than we wanted to.
There’s nothing we can do about the past, but we can be more intentional about how we show up moving forward.
Whether it’s an opportunity, a difficult conversation with someone that tends to push your buttons, or anything else, you can show up in a way that represents and reflects who you really are and who you really want to be.
It starts with coaching yourself, meaning, you ask yourself the kinds of questions that will move you in the direction that you want to go.
The question I want you to ask in the face of your current opportunity or a dilemma that feels challenging to you is this:
“How do I want to show up in this situation?”
Stop and pause and ask that question. It automatically shifts you from where you are to where you want to be. Do you want to show up with more confidence? With generosity? With intellect? With kindness? Asking yourself this question will help you align your tone, words, and attitude with how you want to present yourself.
Take a moment and think of the challenges and opportunities in front of you. Maybe it’s an interview, a meeting with a prospective client, a conversation with a child that’s been difficult, or a discussion with a friend. Whatever the situation, ask yourself how you want to show up and then do that.
If you’ve ever thought about developing coaching skills for your own resilience, as a leader or manager, or in running your business, check out our! We’ve got one coming up soon, and we’d love to see you there! Get all the details at . You can also check out my free How to Coach Yourself course at .
Coach Yourself:
Where do you have a challenging situation you need to show up to?
How do you want to show up in that situation?
What steps do you need to take to show up in that way?
The post appeared first on .
June 3, 2022
Time Your To-Do List
Do you know exactly how much time it will actually take you to get everything done on your to-do list?
If you’re like most people, the answer is “no,” but there’s a simple solution to taming your to-do list when it feels overwhelming, especially if you’re a time optimist.
Time optimists tend to underestimate how long things will take which means their to-do list can get especially overloaded and overwhelming.
If that’s you, I want to teach you how to time your to-do list. To do that, you need to start with the right questions. Look at your to-do list and ask yourself this…
How much time will each thing on this list realistically take?
A lot of times we write entire projects on a to-do list, so take a moment break down your list into specific tasks. Next to each item on your list, I want you to be super realistic about how much time it takes to complete each one.
Once you’ve listed times beside each item, you can add the times up and figure out exactly how much time you need to realistically get everything done.
Timing your to-do list is the key to taming your to-do list.
Otherwise, you’ll find yourself overwhelmed, overloaded and stressed out.
If you find that your tasks are going to take more time than you actually have, that’s alright! This will actually help you prioritize the most important items. Start with those and leave the rest for tomorrow. Don’t spend all your time on the things that don’t need to be accomplished right away.
If you’re looking to develop your coaching or leadership skills, I want to invite you to our upcoming Coach Training Intensive (CTI)! It’s a live, virtual event where you’ll learn the foundation you need to begin implementing coaching into your life immediately.
Registration ends TOMORROW, Monday June 6, so don’t miss the chance to join us!
Coach Yourself:
How much time will each task on your to-do list realistically take?
What needs to be done immediately?
What can wait until later?
The post appeared first on .
