Sam's Reviews > House of Flame and Shadow

My Selling Pitch:
90% of this book could've been an email. After all the retconning and circular conversations, it’s a Throne of Glass rewrite with ancestors leaving their powers behind for Mary Sue to absorb while her dipshit boyfriend’s backshots send her into outer space. Literally. And like I guess they save the day or something.

On my do not read list.

Pre-reading:
I know I said, I respected the audacity when I finished book 2, and like I still kind of do, but then I heard such awful reviews for this book. I already don’t like this series, and the backlash really killed all my motivation to pick this up. But Bestie Meagie wants to read it, and im a completionist, so now we’re reading it. Thank god I wrote the world‘s greatest unhinged summary for book 2 because there was no hope for me otherwise.

(obviously potential spoilers from here on)
Thick of it:
Hey girl hey, I also dug out my predictions for this series that I made wayyyy back when I finished book two. (Let’s see how we did.)

Project Thurr was breeding Hel princes to Fae to make gods like Hunt. (50%)
Viktoria the wraith angel is still alive and trapped in the ocean. (Ask again in book 4.)
There’s another warrior angel named Hawk who still needs to make an appearance. (Yes. And he’s as relevant now as he was then.)
Jesiba was exiled from her house for maybe being a god like Hunt or the missing Fae princess. She also went by another name. (Wrong af)
The Hind has secret fire powers. (Duh.)
What kind of creature is Fury? (Ask again later.)
The Sprite queen owes Bryce a favor. (Kinda)
Bryce owes the Viper Queen a favor. (Ask again later.)
Dragon fire can hurt the Hel princes. (Ask again later.)
Danika has a “blank” note in her files. (Ask again later.)

This is my first full graphic audio, and I don't like how they're omitting dialogue tags.

…they had no business making Pollux’s narrator that hot.

Wow, I think I might hate graphic audios. Stop getting rid of the dialogue tags. Just read the actual book! (Yay sound effects, boo omitting words.)

Oh cool, so we killed Cormac for nothing then. (FOR NOTHING.)

Jesus Sarah, what is your vendetta against blond men?

This graphic audio 👀
Samantha, they’re being tortured with whips.
Snap crackle pop, baby✌️

Dude, I forget that they have cell phones and like Snapchat in this universe all the time.

Why are we pretending Rhysand’s a consent king? Get me out of here.

It’s been a long time since I read Acotar, so I don't remember the Daglan at all.

I’m sorry, it literally looks like we skipped a page in between her worrying that she won’t be able to save her world, and then all of a sudden she has a magic bean??? Grow uppppp. I hate this series.

I don’t remember the Book of Breathings. I didn’t know I had to know acotar crap for this book too. (The references are never important to the actual plot.)

I’m gonna need all the sexy men to stop breathing like that in my ear.

I think the Viper Queen is an excellent character.

Dude, what is the edit on this? There’s no transitions between chapters and narrators. You can’t do that.

Like just start chapter 3 before we get Ithan‘s perspective.
At the very least, give me a little… separating them!

We all live in a yellow submarine 🎶

i’m reading the audiobook on two times speed because I don’t hate myself, and the winnowing sounds sound like farts.

How is it this repetitive already? We could’ve cut all of this so far.

Dude, the construction of this book sucks!

I’m sorry, I can’t take this book seriously. He’s like actively getting tortured, and he’s like let me think about pussy.

Not them putting a laugh track to this.

We're all in this together 🎶

The way we’re on chapter 5 and objectively nothing has happened.
Also, that’s two hours in.
Two hours in and we have not advanced since the end of the last book.

Oh cool, so a confrontation with literally no net effect because they’re still not caught and they had no relevant dialogue.

Bro, I stop and take notes when something happens so I can write these unhinged summaries, and I’m just sitting here twiddling my thumbs.

Lidia is temu Manon.

Unhinged summary like “Bryce is gonna use her residual bean magic to teleport.“

How the fuck did this get published?

Danika’s a fuckin idiot. Let's not take her self-help advice.

Dude, how many times do we have to repeat what happened at the end of book 2? I don’t even need a summary at this point. The book would’ve just fucking told me 11 times in a row.

It reads like she didn’t know how to start this third book and just kept all the attempts she made.

“And Bryce is gonna use her residual bean magic to teleport down to the sewers. Then she pulls her tits out. And the audience is like Samantha. And Sarah’s like no no, she’s right. She’s just showing off her fleshlight.”

Six chapters in and still nothing! I-
Like yes queen, give us nothing! Love that she’s written essentially three hours worth of content that amounts to jack shit and sold it. (Oh my sweet summer child.)

It really feels like Sarah’s just spinning her wheels here because she had no idea where she was going with this book.

Nesta feels so out of character.

The audio mixing for the Sprite is so bad. (I get they were going for muffled, but it made them so hard to hear, and like you have to hear your audiobook.)

What is it with rice and beans not exploring his own kingdom at all and just having random things that want to kill his citizens lurking in his own fucking castle?

Babe, eight chapters and still no plot.

Cool, cool, cool, another fucking pointless conversation!

Why would non-Christians have crucifixes?

Obviously, Mr. Feminism isn’t gonna send a woman down alone, not when he can send a boy with her!

10 toes(chapters) down and we standin on business of-nothing fucking happening!

Hey, so there’s literally no! reason for why we have to go through this tunnel for so long. We could’ve just had her find it instantly in the tunnel or skipped ahead to them finding it.

We’re not getting valuable backstory or dialogue. We are literally just spinning wheels.

Not them drinking out of diva cups 😂

Just pointing it out again that we are four hours deep and nothing has happened. All the book is so far is Bryce giving the ACOTAR people a vocab lesson.

I don’t remember Jack SHIT about Silver Flames other than them essentially sending Nesta to grief fat camp and her being excited to suck a dude off under a dining table.

Gun to my head, I have never heard the name Lanthys in my life, although clearly I have if I read Silver Flames.
Like I know they had to go have a showdown on the mountain, but I don’t really remember what the villain was called or where he came from. I was too focused on our feminist, consent king conspiring to keep his wife’s basic anatomy and pregnancy risk from her and Sarah calling that romance.

Nesta asking the real questions.

I feel like this is Sarah asking her audience if they care about the plot holes or if they just want the plot to go brr?
And I’m over here like I care about the plot holes! 😂

Bro, 13 chapters, 4 1/2 hours. Still zero plot.

I read Lidia Cervix every time.

SWANGIN’

if bad guy why hot?

IF BAD GUY WHY HOT THO!?!

...I can fix him.

Also, I’m sorry, but in any other dark romance, this is just hot guy dialogue.

I think this is more Sarah forced him to be a villain because she wants more domestic abuse representation, but gave him too much charisma because I’m like raw, next question.

Sarah’s like look he’s gross and a misogynist! And I’m like Sarah I could goad him into doing some period shit. Also, seeing muscle men shy away from period shit because they're sissies-oh it’s healing. Like call them out, girl! Imma make that boy Saltburn me.

Like it’s just so performative comically evil-

Bro, how are we 14 chapters deep and still nothing has happened?

Like the only thing I have for the summary so far is set up for them to rescue the people from the dungeon which was a fucking given, and Bryce finding a tunnel in Rhysand’s dungeon. THAT’S FUCKIN IT!

Oh yeah, I’ve actually been cutting my hands on purpose this whole time so that you guys can spend five minutes killing a worm, and I’ll get ahead of you in the tunnel! That’ll like totally let me escape people who can literally teleport!
And Sam’s like be so fucking for real, and Bryce is like yeah, you’re right. OK, I’ll go help them kill the worm. And Samantha cries in no net plot change again.

I’m so tired of every one of her characters being the most powerful character ever.

I think Sarah knows her audience never let go of her implying a Cassian Azriel Nesta threesome in the last book, but I do think Azriel just sees her as a found family sister who’s also hot.

Hey babe, you know what I’m gonna say? 15 chapters, five hours in, no plot.

Bro, tell me how we’re 20% through and all of this could’ve been cut.

Am I supposed to know where we’ve seen the star before because I don’t? Ask me if I give a flying fuck.

So you can catch up your characters off page. I don’t need you to repeat the information we just read last chapter yet a fucking gain.

Dude, how many chapters?

Over under 20 before something relevant happens?

…
Can he not just turn sideways?

Sent across the stars to learn it? Bitch, we knew it by the end of book 2! We knew it in the middle of book 2!

Sarah’s like look he’s evil! He bit her! And I’m like Sarah, all the other dudes that you write do that too. Take her vanilla ass away from him and give him a spicy playmate. I volunteer as tribute.

Here’s the thing, I was like finally! We’re getting plot, and then I realized we’re literally just retconning history again.
It’s like Sarah writes rules, realizes they don’t work anymore, and is like well, I’ll just have a character say they were lying about them the whole time. Free get out of jail card.

20 chapters, 6 1/2 hours. Could’ve been an email.

I assume the shifter fae are from the TOG universe. (Nailed it.)

I’d love to stop hearing about Hunt’s breeding kink thx.

Am I the only one completely unbothered by the idea of him biting a hand off? I’m like sure, that’s fine. Needs must.

And by umbra mortis, does he mean put on his personal trainer at equinox voice because-
The way that man couldn’t get me to do jack shit.

Oh great, so she can follow her stupid true love to Hunt bond home to Mr. sweaty kitty muncher himself.

All I’m saying is that Rhys would know his family history if he would get off his ass and investigate his own goddamn kingdom.

22 chapters and still objectively nothing has happened.
And if you’re like Samantha, what are you talking about? So much has happened! Has it? Because all we’ve had is set up for the faerie frat boys + jacob not black to rescue dumb and dumber from asteri jail, and that still hasn’t reached any semblance of a resolution, and Bryce has just infodumped another retconned history lesson on us. End of list.

Shocked she didn’t say the hand was folded into a vulgar gesture.

Are they saying his wannabe Jesus tattoo is the actual crown because I’m not in the mood?

If bad guy, why hot?

IF BAD GUY WHY HOT?!?

It takes just shy of eight hours and 23 chapters for this book to START.

Why even keep her alive? Why do they do this all the time? Just kill the bad guys!

The way she was pointlessly cryptic about who the best friend was earlier just so she could have another conversation about it and bloat the word count.

When somebody gon’ fuck already?

But Bryce isn’t sample size?

But that apartment burned down book one?

So she’s grounded.

Who would win every single guard in the city or one guy on the back of a jeep?
Bruh

She couldn’t MapQuest this?

Would you still love me if I was a worm?

Don’t need Bryce’s calorie counter for the week.

That’s a terrible crash cart then.

Selling Sunset lol

Detritus sin

Holy Mary Sue

Ruhn’s Deadpool hand lmao

Mommy? Sorry. Mommy? Sorry

You know, did not have milf Lidia on the bingo board.

A fingernail of pure WHAT 😂

For the love of god, can they stop explaining it to us?

When do I get more Pollux content?

I don’t care about the gay dads. Just move the plot!

... but like Sarah that literally is what you’re doing. You’re making fun of your own writing by giving her an acceptably sad female backstory. (And she did it to Nesta too.)

Oh, OK, we can totally forgive that she was basically an undercover Nazi murdering people because now she has kids. Be so for real.

Bro, this is the ickiest dialogue she’s ever written.

Hey Sarah, this is not feminism!

What’s up with the weird birthing statues and can it stop? I know you just had a baby, Sarah, but chill.

Sarah is like lol don’t forget he has elemental magic too, and I’m like I don’t care cause he’s never been plot relevant. (Still irrelevant in this book!)

Camaraderie, I mean-🎶
I mean it’s been 44 chapters. Someone better be coming.

CLOUDBERRY?!?

With the way she names her villains, I’m so convinced a Samantha fucked Sarah over.

I’m so tired of hearing the menu for every meal these characters eat.

This Jesiba infodump makes no sense.

Ahhhh part one done! (Of the graphic audio.)

I’m so completely checked out.

Sarah keeps trying to convince us he was a good mate for Danika and everyone’s just like but she’s lesbian??? She’s got rainbow hair, Sarah.

I can’t stand Tharion.

I’m down for some shenanigans but electrocuting her cervix?!?

At least they’re not teleporting every time they nut now.

Cheese puffs? Dude, this is cringe.

I had a random orgy and spontaneously developed a maternal instinct is a horrendous backstory.

So when Hunt electrocutes NPCs because they threatened his girlfriend it’s hot, but when Pollux thinks the woman he loves is kidnapped for two years-

Kindling to his cock is CRAZY.

The way Sarah is like if I just acknowledge that it’s insane logic that excuses me from it, right?

There’s no way the door closed faster than lightning, and they were still able to see it. (200,000 mph. Physics calls bullshit.)

This is literally just Throne of Glass’s plot over again though with Elena.

Oh good, another info dump.

Guys, time and place for horny!

Bro, the way she is spoonfeeding us this plot.
Like just in case you didn’t understand my bullshit explanation, here’s the soundbyte summary.

I’d say I’m proud of myself for guessing all this, but I feel like it wasn’t hard to guess because she’s really beating us over the head with it.

I feel like they’re not intergalactic saviors, though, if you’re pointing it out like that.
I feel like we’re getting rid of one big bad to get a worse one.
Like you guys said you would save the day!
And them being like, and you believed us ?

Nothing about this book is convincing me that it couldn’t be a tight 350.

I can’t believe they read murder twins and were like publish it.

Oh, I thought she was gonna summon the weapons to her through them and like backstab them. Pretty lame not to do that.

Get a bucket and a mop that’s some-weak ass plot -

A girl worth fighting for 🎶

This book is nothing but circular conversations.

Oh look, the door’s open! (It's funny every time.)

I don’t understand their whole ‘let’s put people under the water to save them’ because they literally have submarines so all they have to do is break the air bubble and they drown the entire city in minutes.

Say what you need to say 🎶

Kim, there’s people that are dying.

No, actually that’s literally what we asked all book, and you refused to tell us.
This book is just shaking a magic eight ball and getting ask again later every time.

Terminator Harpy

Fried chicken, baby

So she’s anticlimactically dead again.

Has Ruhn done a single useful thing all book? He got his hand chopped off, he didn’t notice his besties were missing, now he can’t find the angel guards-
And if you’re like, oh he killed his dad. I’m like Bryce was already on that. There was no need for him to be there.

Yeah, so you went to the dungeons, but it had basically no consequences because no one died. You’re literally immortal and have instant healing and you can take off this stupid tattoo anytime you want. Nut up.

OK Sarah, I’ll give you that raising an army of the dead and putting them into the pilotless super suits is pretty smart.

How is no one other than Declan a hacker in this entire universe? Someone buy the Asteri a firewall. A VPN sponsorship at least.

Also, if Hunt doesn’t stop crying about things that are literally already dead-
He’s such a little BITCH.

Spot the difference. This is just Danny Phantom in his mech suit.

Ephraim???
Oh, her lavender marriage.

OK, but who are the random NPCs inside the boats that fired those missiles?

It’s almost like everyone in this book is really bad at their job when it comes to government and or soldiering.

So smart and brave and useful that he hasn’t been in the book at all!

All I’m saying is that it’s really bad news that she made him blond because Sarah has never not fucked over a blond so…

Ithan and Ruhn are really duking it out for most useless and annoying.

Oh my god, thank god someone made that deworming joke so I didn’t have to.

OK, but just logistically how did Pollux- by himself- take over a ship the size of an entire city? (He’s the most capable mans in this whole ass series.)

Wyrd marks huh?

A bullet for Jesiba’s rifle I assume. (Correct.)

Connor, Colin, Cormac she needs to chill with the C names for all her cucks.

Love that she’ll summarize over and over again, but you’re SOL for any of those Capital Nouns.
Like bitch, I don’t remember the bullshit Ordeal lore.

Not them starting a couple's YouTube channel.

Sarah this is illegal. I promise you his limp dick fits in some underwear.

Imagine you’re their hotel neighbor.

Also, what do you mean the guest rooms just had random packs of lace thongs?
Also, you were there like a week ago?
Imagine the buttfloss STENCH.

She’s magically pegging him.

What’s gonna be this Perry not the platypus plotline?

Sorry babies, mommy’s busy.
I hate it here.
I can’t imagine an ounce of horny if your kids are with a man you believe is the most evil sadist rapist.

The fact that there’s a fourth book says this is not the day you stop them.

Where does Bryce’s soul go now that the underking is dead? Can it be cursed if she doesn’t have it?

Pollux Pollux Pollux

I know Sarah’s about to do me dirty with him but like-

Lowkey the mystics are just ChatGPT.

Dude, you had one job to not break the antidotes.

Should’ve sent the antidotes by ottermail.

Brannon like from TOG? (Yes.)

Booooo
Bitch, that’s not a showdown.
What a lame battle with the only dude I liked.

Okay cool, so I was right that the shifter fae are from the TOG world. But wait, that’s so sad. That means Aelin’s kingdom gets enslaved all over again.

I mean we still have the sprites to come back and light shit up too.

And there’s the sprites.

SHE DID NOT SAY MAGIC JIZZ WITH HER WHOLE CHEST.
SARAH