Funny Quotes

“Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.

- Jane”
― J.R. Ward, Lover Unbound

“My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“The Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is...42!”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“Whatever it is," I said, "the point is moot because as long as I'm on these pills, I can't make contact to ask."
Derek ... snapped, "Then you need to stop taking the pills."
Love to. If I could. But after what happened last night, they're giving me urine tests now."
Ugh. That's harsh." Simon went quiet, then snapped his fingers.
Hey, I've got an idea. It's kinda gross, but what if you take the pills, crush them and mix them with your, you know, urine."
Derek stared at him.
What?"
You did pass chem last year, didn't you?"
Simon flipped him the finger. "Okay, genius, what's your idea?"
I'll think about it. ..."

***

Here," Derek whispered, pressing an empty Mason jar into my hand. He'd pulled me aside after class and we were now standing at the base of the boy's staircase. "Take this up to your room and hide it."
It's a ... jar."
He grunted, exasperated that I was so dense I failed to see the critical importance of hiding an empty Mason jar in my room.
It's for your urine."
My what?"
He rolled his eyes, a growl-like sound sliding through his teeth as
he leaned down, closer to my ear. "Urine. Pee. Whatever. For the testing."
I lifted the jar to eye level. "I think they'll give me something
smaller."
...
You took your meds today, right?" he whispered.
I nodded.
Then use this jar to save it."
Save . . . ?"
Your urine. If you give them some of today's tomorrow, it'll seem like you're still taking your meds."
You want me to . . . dole it out? Into specimen jars?"
Got a better idea?"
Um, no, but ..." I lifted the jar and stared into it.
Oh, for God's sake. Save your piss. Don't save your piss. It's all the same to me."
Simon peeked around the corner, brows lifted. "I was going to ask what you guys were doing, but hearing that, I think I'll pass.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Summoning

“All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that's an alibi for my ignorance.”
― Will Rogers

“Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”
Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”
“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?”
To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”
Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”
La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.
“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.”
― Kresley Cole, Dreams of a Dark Warrior

“You have no finesse,” a gambler at the Silver Garter once said to him. “No technique.”

“Sure I do,” Kaz had responded. “I practice the art of ‘pull his shirt over his head and punch till you see blood.”
― Leigh Bardugo, Six of Crows

“Apparently the complete works of Shakespeare packed quite a wallop. To think, my mother said I'd never find use for an English degree. Ha! I'd like to see her knock someone silly with an apron and a cookie press.”
― Rachel Vincent, Stray

“Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.”
― John Callahan

“You'll blow up a helicopter, but you won't go out with me? What is wrong with you?”
― Meg Cabot, When Lightning Strikes

“I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?”
― Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl

“When I was growing up we didn't have a massive house and there were five women running around, so my dad and I had to stick together!”
― Louis Tomlinson, Dare to Dream: Life as One Direction

“If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged”
― Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man

“Too bad. Family members hit you by accident. Psychopathic whores tend to come back for more.”
― Richelle Mead, Frostbite

“Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.”
― Richelle Mead, Frostbite

“The queen's eyes smouldered. "I know my own kind when I see them, and right now there is one in these city walls." She pointed a finger toward the balcony."I want her found and brought to me."
"Right," said Kai,"that'll be no problem in a city of two and a half million people. Let me just go dig out my special Lunar detector, and I'll get right on that.”
― Marissa Meyer, Cinder

“Warm, aquamarine eyes stared into him—providing a lifeline to shore. And he wondered if she was really the one who needed saving . . .”
― J. Rose Black, Losing My Breath

“He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?"
"Like what?"
"Like hitting on you."
"Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way."
Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee.
"What? You think he does?"
"Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood."
"Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?"
"Not enough coffee.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“Gundar seemed to come to a decision.
"Well, as my old mam used to say, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck."
"Very wise," Halt said. "And what exactly do your mother's words of wisdom have to do with this situation?"
Gundar shrugged. "It looks like a channel. It's the right place for a channel. If I were digging one, this is where I'd dig a channel. So. . ."
"So it's probably the channel?" Selethen said.
Gundar grinned at him. "Either that or it's a duck.”
― John Flanagan, The Emperor of Nihon-Ja

“Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.”
― Stephenie Meyer, Eclipse

“You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab.

"Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer.
It's a freaking soap opera.”
― Stephanie Perkins, Isla and the Happily Ever After

“মিথ্যা হলো শয়তানের বিয়ের মন্ত্র। মিথ্যা বললেই শয়তানের বিয়ে হয়। বিয়ে হওয়া মানেই সন্তান-সন্ততি হওয়া। একটা মিথ্যার পর আরো অনেকগুলি মিথ্যা বলতে হয় এই কারণেই।পরের মিথ্যাগুলি শয়তানের সন্তান।”
― Humayun Ahmed, এই মেঘ, রৌদ্রছায়া

“Mussolini?” Leo frowned. “Wasn’t he like BFFs with Hitler?”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“   ‘I knew it, I knew it, I damn well knew it,’ he shouted. ‘The President was right you’re all infected with this wretched MeMe chromosome even at the dawn of your pathetic little planet’s evolution. You do realise of course there’s no hope for you. It’s all going to be a complete and utter waste of time. You and your little planet are all doomed.”
― A.R. Merrydew, Our Blue Orange

“Shane dragged Eve's suitcase into the room and dumped it on the floor beside her bed. “Hey, Dark Princess? Here’s your crap. Also, bite me.”
― Rachel Caine, Kiss of Death

“Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her.

She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug.

His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead."

Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich.”
― Rachel Caine, Ghost Town

“To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans”
― Zoë Marriott, The Swan Kingdom

“Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here."
To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble."
"We'll see.”
― Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

“Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound