Funny Quotes

Quotes tagged as "funny" Showing 31-60 of 10,662
J.K. Rowling
“But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Masashi Kishimoto
“She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..”
Masashi Kishimoto, Naruto, Vol. 18: Tsunade's Choice

Rodney Dangerfield
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
Rodney Dangerfield

Alfred Hitchcock
“Puns are the highest form of literature.”
Alfred Hitchcock

Wendy Mass
“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"
All the time.”
Wendy Mass, Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life

Lauren Myracle
“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”
Lauren Myracle

J.K. Rowling
“Don’t put your wand there, boy!” roared Moody. “What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” “Who d’you know who’s lost a buttock?” the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly. “Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!” growled Mad-Eye. “Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore . . .” He stumped off toward the kitchen. “And I saw that,” he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling.”
J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Nicholas Sparks
“Do you want a cookie?
- What?
- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?
- No.
- How can you not want a cookie?
- I just don't.
- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?
- I'd eat a cookie?
- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.
- What are you saying?
- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.
- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have a
cookie?
- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.
- And you don't think that's fair.
- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.
- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so
much.
- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,
you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like you
said, it's not fair.
- So what are you going to do?
- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fair
to ten-year-olds.”
Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

Gena Showalter
“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”
Gena Showalter, Oh My Goth

Rachel Caine
“Perv."
He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?”
Rachel Caine, Midnight Alley

Robert Benchley
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

Roald Dahl
“Don't gobblefunk around with words.”
Roald Dahl, The BFG

William Goldman
“Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
William Goldman, The Princess Bride

Cassandra Clare
“aren't you, uh... reproducing?

"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

Lewis Carroll
“Why it's simply impassible!
Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?
Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!”
Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass

Benjamin Franklin
“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned”
Benjamin Franklin

Jess C. Scott
“Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.

Good things come to those who wait.”
Jess C. Scott, The Intern

Rodney Dangerfield
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
Rodney Dangerfield

Gena Showalter
“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.
1. You're wearing that?
2. Something smells funny.
3. Where's the Tylenol?
4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.
5. I have a confession to make…
6. My dad has a suit just like that.
7. That man is hot. Look at him.
8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…
9. You're going to order that? Seriously?
10. You're how old?”
Gena Showalter, Animal Instincts

Charles M. Schulz
“This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”
Charles M. Schulz

James  Patterson
“Can I come in?
No! I'm in a towel!
I'm blind!”
James Patterson

Lauren Myracle
“You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!”
Lauren Myracle, ttfn

Cassandra Clare
“I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?"
"You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't."
"There goes my Saturday.”
Cassandra Clare, City of Lost Souls

Richelle Mead
“You…you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it."
"I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it."
And then he took me to the bed.”
Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

Confucius
“The funniest people are the saddest ones”
Confucius

Pseudonymous Bosch
“Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.”
Pseudonymous Bosch, The Name of This Book Is Secret

Jess C. Scott
“The human body is the best work of art.”
Jess C. Scott

Jennifer L. Armentrout
“Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?”
Jennifer L. Armentrout, Obsidian

Richelle Mead
“A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around."
"Funny, I feel that way about you too." He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away.”
Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy

Richelle Mead
“Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time." [...]
"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session."
"Oh yeah?" I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then."
"It's always a good a time to think about you naked," added someone nearby, breaking the tension further.”
Richelle Mead, Vampire Academy