Bart Yates's Blog
March 25, 2023
The Glamorous Life Of A Writer
As a novelist, the three main questions I get asked are:
1) What’s your writing process?
2) Where do you get your ideas for your books?
3) When was the last time you showered?
Let’s tackle these one at a time.
What’s your writing process?
When I first start a novel, I spend a few weeks picking my nose and staring at the blinking cursor on my laptop screen. Meanwhile, I drink a few gallons of tea, stare at the wall, worry about how I’m going to pay my mortgage, speak French to my cat (she’s the only one who understands me), and think about what wine would go well with dinner.
And that’s just my warmup.
After those first weeks have passed, I nap a lot while pretending to write, wake up and drink more tea, daydream about the beautiful man I spoke to at the grocery store last November, and obsess about the little red bump in my hairline that’s probably just a pimple but could be TERMINAL CANCER or a BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER BITE or even a freaking MICROCHIP IMPLANTED BY BILL GATES TO CONTROL MY BRAIN AND MAKE ME VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS!!
Then one fine day I write a first sentence, followed by another, and eventually—over the course of a year or two—a book happens.
Everybody’s writing process is different. For me, sadly, writing doesn’t come easily, and often feels like I’m just grinding out one damn sentence after another, day after day, until a book finally happens. Some days, if I’m lucky, I write a sentence that doesn’t make me wince when I’m writing it. And once in a blue moon—or when hell freezes over, or when pigs fly—a miracle sometimes happens: I actually LIKE what I’ve written, and think “That’s pretty good.”
I don’t recommend writing for a living, but those blue moon days are almost worth it.
Where do you get your ideas for your books?
I hate this question, because the answer is so convoluted and every time I try to answer it I end up babbling like someone afflicted with glossolalia at a tent revival meeting.
Let me give you an example. For my fourth novel, THE THIRD HILL NORTH OF TOWN (written under my pen name, Noah Bly), I started with a phone book, randomly flipping pages to find a name for my main character. Once I found a name that resonated with me—Julianna Dapper—I came up with her backstory, made her look like Virginia Woolf, and stuck her in a mental hospital in Bangor, Maine in 1962. (She had to be crazy, of course, because my mother was just then wrestling with a harrowing case of dementia and was very much on my mind.) At the time, I didn’t really know why I had to get Julianna from Maine to Missouri—to a small town called Pawnee that no longer existed, where my grandmother was born—but once she was on the road I decided she had to kidnap two sensitive, troubled boys on the way—one black, one white, from completely different backgrounds—and put them through hell on earth for a few days because watching them interact with each other and their lunatic captor in one absurd situation after another made me laugh—but I also needed to figure out what happened to make Julianna go nuts in the first place, so half of the book takes place in 1923, a time period I knew next to nothing about and thought would be easy to write about because I’m a moron, basically.
My hometown of Lamoni, Iowa, puts in an appearance, as does a beach in Massachusetts that I used to live next to, as does a sheriff’s office in Leon, Iowa, where my brother used to work, as does an Edsel, which was a car that fascinated me, as does…
Anyway, I’m sure you get the point. Whatever I write never starts with anything as useful as a clearcut idea. It’s more like blind instinct, based on a weird combination of personal history, imagination, and my twisted sense of humor—and one thing always leads to another, and another, and another. I don’t really understand how it works myself, but if I find myself smiling at something—like a random name in a phone book—that’s usually a promising sign.
When was the last time you showered?
Uh, next question.
1) What’s your writing process?
2) Where do you get your ideas for your books?
3) When was the last time you showered?
Let’s tackle these one at a time.
What’s your writing process?
When I first start a novel, I spend a few weeks picking my nose and staring at the blinking cursor on my laptop screen. Meanwhile, I drink a few gallons of tea, stare at the wall, worry about how I’m going to pay my mortgage, speak French to my cat (she’s the only one who understands me), and think about what wine would go well with dinner.
And that’s just my warmup.
After those first weeks have passed, I nap a lot while pretending to write, wake up and drink more tea, daydream about the beautiful man I spoke to at the grocery store last November, and obsess about the little red bump in my hairline that’s probably just a pimple but could be TERMINAL CANCER or a BROWN RECLUSE SPIDER BITE or even a freaking MICROCHIP IMPLANTED BY BILL GATES TO CONTROL MY BRAIN AND MAKE ME VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS!!
Then one fine day I write a first sentence, followed by another, and eventually—over the course of a year or two—a book happens.
Everybody’s writing process is different. For me, sadly, writing doesn’t come easily, and often feels like I’m just grinding out one damn sentence after another, day after day, until a book finally happens. Some days, if I’m lucky, I write a sentence that doesn’t make me wince when I’m writing it. And once in a blue moon—or when hell freezes over, or when pigs fly—a miracle sometimes happens: I actually LIKE what I’ve written, and think “That’s pretty good.”
I don’t recommend writing for a living, but those blue moon days are almost worth it.
Where do you get your ideas for your books?
I hate this question, because the answer is so convoluted and every time I try to answer it I end up babbling like someone afflicted with glossolalia at a tent revival meeting.
Let me give you an example. For my fourth novel, THE THIRD HILL NORTH OF TOWN (written under my pen name, Noah Bly), I started with a phone book, randomly flipping pages to find a name for my main character. Once I found a name that resonated with me—Julianna Dapper—I came up with her backstory, made her look like Virginia Woolf, and stuck her in a mental hospital in Bangor, Maine in 1962. (She had to be crazy, of course, because my mother was just then wrestling with a harrowing case of dementia and was very much on my mind.) At the time, I didn’t really know why I had to get Julianna from Maine to Missouri—to a small town called Pawnee that no longer existed, where my grandmother was born—but once she was on the road I decided she had to kidnap two sensitive, troubled boys on the way—one black, one white, from completely different backgrounds—and put them through hell on earth for a few days because watching them interact with each other and their lunatic captor in one absurd situation after another made me laugh—but I also needed to figure out what happened to make Julianna go nuts in the first place, so half of the book takes place in 1923, a time period I knew next to nothing about and thought would be easy to write about because I’m a moron, basically.
My hometown of Lamoni, Iowa, puts in an appearance, as does a beach in Massachusetts that I used to live next to, as does a sheriff’s office in Leon, Iowa, where my brother used to work, as does an Edsel, which was a car that fascinated me, as does…
Anyway, I’m sure you get the point. Whatever I write never starts with anything as useful as a clearcut idea. It’s more like blind instinct, based on a weird combination of personal history, imagination, and my twisted sense of humor—and one thing always leads to another, and another, and another. I don’t really understand how it works myself, but if I find myself smiling at something—like a random name in a phone book—that’s usually a promising sign.
When was the last time you showered?
Uh, next question.
Death Wish: Writing Your First Novel
Rules For Writing A Novel:
1) There are no rules.
Best Advice About Writing A Novel:
1) Don’t.
Possibly Useful Suggestions For Masochists Who Still Want To Write A Novel, Though If I Were You I Wouldn’t Pay Any Attention To Me Since Every Writer Has To Figure Out Their Own Process And Mine Is No Fun At All:
1) Write a little bit every day, even if it’s all crap.
2) Start each day by cleaning up your previous day’s crap, then add some new crap to the pile.
3) Try not to get discouraged. Crap makes excellent fertilizer.
4) One day—when you’re cleaning up your previous day’s crap—you may find a gorgeous flower or two growing in your big stinky pile. Rejoice, then write more crap.
5) In a month, or a year, or five years, you’ll notice that your crap pile is slowly transforming into a garden. Rejoice, then write more crap.
6) Try not to drink yourself to death on the bad days.
7) Finish the first draft of your novel, no matter how rough. Most people who want to write a novel never complete a draft. Rejoice for making it this far.
8) Clean up the crap. Write another draft, or ten, or however many it takes to make it good. Never submit it to an agent or an editor until you don’t know what else to do with the damn thing.
Cautionary Remarks About What Comes Next:
1) Even if you’ve written a great book, be prepared for people to tell you it’s crap.
2) Never let the bastards see you cry.
3) Finding an agent is hard. Remove all sharp objects from your home.
4) Finding an editor who wants to buy your book is even harder, especially if you don’t have an agent. Put the bottle of sleeping pills down and back away from your medicine cabinet.
5) Your book will sell, or it won’t. If it does, the reviewers may shred it to pieces, along with what’s left of your heart. If it doesn’t, well, that’s worse. Either way, avoid high bridges and scenic cliff walks.
6) In the meantime, start a new book.
7) Write a little bit every day, even if it’s all crap.
1) There are no rules.
Best Advice About Writing A Novel:
1) Don’t.
Possibly Useful Suggestions For Masochists Who Still Want To Write A Novel, Though If I Were You I Wouldn’t Pay Any Attention To Me Since Every Writer Has To Figure Out Their Own Process And Mine Is No Fun At All:
1) Write a little bit every day, even if it’s all crap.
2) Start each day by cleaning up your previous day’s crap, then add some new crap to the pile.
3) Try not to get discouraged. Crap makes excellent fertilizer.
4) One day—when you’re cleaning up your previous day’s crap—you may find a gorgeous flower or two growing in your big stinky pile. Rejoice, then write more crap.
5) In a month, or a year, or five years, you’ll notice that your crap pile is slowly transforming into a garden. Rejoice, then write more crap.
6) Try not to drink yourself to death on the bad days.
7) Finish the first draft of your novel, no matter how rough. Most people who want to write a novel never complete a draft. Rejoice for making it this far.
8) Clean up the crap. Write another draft, or ten, or however many it takes to make it good. Never submit it to an agent or an editor until you don’t know what else to do with the damn thing.
Cautionary Remarks About What Comes Next:
1) Even if you’ve written a great book, be prepared for people to tell you it’s crap.
2) Never let the bastards see you cry.
3) Finding an agent is hard. Remove all sharp objects from your home.
4) Finding an editor who wants to buy your book is even harder, especially if you don’t have an agent. Put the bottle of sleeping pills down and back away from your medicine cabinet.
5) Your book will sell, or it won’t. If it does, the reviewers may shred it to pieces, along with what’s left of your heart. If it doesn’t, well, that’s worse. Either way, avoid high bridges and scenic cliff walks.
6) In the meantime, start a new book.
7) Write a little bit every day, even if it’s all crap.
